School on Monday was quiet. The teachers taught, the students pretended to listen, and the parents who dropped off the freshman asked questions. A lot of questions.
Lily Korp had committed suicide over something that had happened on Friday at school. Or at least that is what the police thought.
Lily had been in the tenth grade, and had gone to the same middle school as Nadine and Jocelyn. Nadine hardly remembered her, but Jocelyn did.
There is always a girl who is a year or so older than you in school who you look up to and want to be like. I am honestly not sure if boys have a role model like that, but girls sure do.
Jocelyn had wanted to be like Lily for years. She was Jocelyn’s idea of stunning. She had black long hair that was always curled. And she wore hardly any makeup because she didn’t really need much. She wore mainly dark colors and blended in pretty well at school.
This is why hardly anyone remembered her.
Her teachers were on the news and were asked what kind of a student she was. There answers were all the same. They answered with what they had to say, despite the fact that it was not the the truth.
A reporter asked her English teacher, “Was she a good student?”
The teacher replied, “Lily was a model student. Everyone in the class looked up to her, and we are sure going to miss her.”
What no one had known was that Lily had committed suicide due to the fact that the only thing that people could say was, “We will miss her.”
To miss someone who you never really knew is like raving about a book that you never really read to a friend. Sure, it makes you sound good, but to those who actually read the book, you sound like - like an idiot.
Videos went up on YouTube about how amazing of a person she had been. Fan pages were made for her on social networking sites where people posted things like, “Lily, I am really going to miss you. You were an amazing friend.”
And her death had become a trend. No - there were not more suicides... not that kind of a trend. The kind of trend where everyone pretended to know the inside scoop, and everyone needed to share what they know happened to the victim.
In this case, the victim was also the predator. Lily was her own problem. She didn’t like talking to people and was quiet. Not in the way that Nadine was. Because Nadine was quiet all day, but when she was finally alone with Jocelyn she was wide open and talked nonstop.
Parents arranged a funeral service for Lily which everyone went to, besides her real friends.
Lily had been friends with two other girls named Sylvia and Melissa. They sat outside the church in Melissa’s car and laughed at all of the people that went in.
Why throw a memorial service for someone who you never knew and who never wanted to know you?
Lily had given away her rights to be a real person when she crashed her mother’s car into the front of a moving garbage truck.
Now she was not Lily... she was Lily Korp. The girl who committed suicide over being lonely. Her friends knew this, but didn’t want to share it with the police, they were too busy being entertained by everyone going crazy.
A week after her memorial service, people started to go back to their normal days. There were math tests, and there were breakups. Anne Fern’s parents got a divorce, and Mark Wilb broke a finger when accidentally slamming it in the car door.
Life goes on. And that was definitely something that the girls came to understand, due to the Lily Korp accident and life itself.
No one really understood why Lily’s parents had been so quiet about the whole thing. They had chosen not to talk to reporters, and the only time when they actually appeared on the news was when they attended the memorial service.
It may seem hypocritical since I just went on and on about people pretending to feel bad for her just because it made themselves feel good. But it upsets me too. I hate to see someone so young make such a hard and sinister decision that impacted so much.
I feel for her family, who is still confused about her choice, but I don’t know her, and because of what she did, I never will.
People of the earth walk, fall, and do. We walk places everyday. And without even walking, we still go places. Whether Lily went to heaven, or if there even is a heaven, no living person will ever know, but what I do know is that someone that I had probably passed in a hallway, or maybe at the grocery store is dead now. And she chose her fate.
Nadine didn’t understand why Jocelyn was so attached to her death. She seemed almost lost from the moment that she pulled Nadine’s attention from her computer to the television set to see the broadcast that Saturday morning almost two weeks ago.
There was an emptiness to her. Her laughs weren’t real, and she only smiled halfheartedly. Nadine was the only one who noticed this. Jocelyn’s parents were too busy with her older brother who was back from college for a few days. And the teachers just assumed that she knew Lily, and was depressed over it.
But in reality. Jocelyn was just as confused and scared of herself as Nadine was of her best friend.
Jocelyn knew Nadine so well. Every secret. Every single detail from her past. Just - everything. And what Jocelyn also knew was that Nadine had noticed her change in mood, and wanted to explain it to her.
So she wrote a letter.
“Nad, I know that I have been acting really strange lately. And I am sorry that it has taken me this long to explain it to you. Alright, here goes. So I just kind of looked up to Lily. Like, for a long time. She was my role-model. And now that she is gone, it is like I don’t know what to do. I know that I didn’t dress, act, or want to be her. But she was just kind of my idea of an ideal person, and I really just looked up to her. As I say at pretty much the end of all of my letters, I know that this sounds really cheesy, but it is true, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I love you more than anything, but it probably isn’t any use telling you because you already know that.
The school day was over, and they were coming from their chemistry class when Jocelyn told Nadine about the letter. She handed it to her, and Nadine opened it.
“Stop!” Jocelyn yelped while startling both Nadine and herself.
Nadine made a motion with her head showing confusion.
Jocelyn looked at the ground and said, “I don’t want to watch you read it.”
“Well...” Jocelyn started to answer, but stopped.
“Joss, I read all of your letters, why are you being so weird about this one? Seriously. Is everything okay?”
“It’s all in the letter, just, well... I guess I don’t want to watch you read it. Can you wait ‘till you get home?”
Nadine nodded, and they continued to walk to Jocelyn’s mom’s car. Nadine’s mom picked them up on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. And Jocelyn’s mom took the Tuesday/Thursday shift, but she also drove the girls to school events.
“I just don’t know why she did it,” Jocelyn said to Nadine over the phone later that night.
“Joss, stop worrying. Seriously”
“Nad, it was all my fault”
Nadine felt as if the entire conversation was stupid. But she knew that it had to be talked out before Jocelyn exploded in fury. Nadine replied with, “No it wasn’t. How were you supposed to know that she was so depressed and was taking such scary actions?”
“I guess I didn’t”
Nadine smiled as she saw the turning point of their conversation, “That’s right - you didn’t. You had nothing to do with it. I mean, just because you thought she was pretty doesn’t mean that...” Nadine had more to say but was realizing the amount of silence that she was receiving over the phone from Jocelyn.
Jocelyn gathered herself before answering, “Nadine. Don’t you get it? It was more than me just thinking that she was pretty. It was like... hmm. How do I explain it? It was like despite all of the reasons for me not to think this, she was what I wanted to be like in the future.”
“What?” Nadine was purely confused. “Why would you want to be like her, Nad? Why?”
Jocelyn had been expecting her to say something like that. “Okay, Nad. Honestly, what did you think of her before she killed herself?”
“Do you have to say it that way?” groaned Nadine.
Nadine saw that the turning point in which she had seen prior was now gone. “Well I guess she was pretty, and I guess I know what you mean,” Nadine saw herself understanding exactly what Jocelyn meant by ‘role-model’. It wasn’t someone that she looked up to. No, that wasn’t the right way to say it.
Lily Korp was a mystery that deep down everyone secretly wanted to know more about. It could have been her platinum blonde hair, or the blue eyes. Or the fact that she got bangs to cover her face and covered up her beautiful face in makeup which she didn’t even need.
That was the Lily that lived right before her death.
But the Lily that Jocelyn knew was in everyone’s eyes but her own, perfect.
Just a girl...